The crack is wack

Well, the house that I was going to buy had a cracked chimney. After considering that and a lot of other issues we (my mother and I) have decided not to get the house. On a lighter side I have found a really cute house just outside the loop on the northwest Lubbock. I have decided to take the second summer session off to deal with the move and the break up. Well I guess that's all for now.

Love and service,
Reed Jackson

As the depression sets in

Depression is something I have always struggled with even before i started using drugs. It comes to me slowly and steadily like a tide coming into the beach. Gradually moving closer and closer. I feel as if my world is turning greyer and greyer by the day. Every morning when I wake up life around me looses a little more color. I didn't notice it at first because it difficult for me to admit that even after almost 4 years in recovery I still battle with depression. I feel that I should be cured of all my ailments. I should be a sun beam for Jesus and walking in the sunlight of the spirit. But, no I am still a dope fiend and a drunk who loves to be alone in a crowed room. I am not sure why I am even talking about this ( I never have before) but I have a feeling that once i get it all out and in public view my depression will no longer control me. Other than the depression life has been a cake walk. I have broken up with my partner after 2 years and have some how managed to maintain composure during the whole ordeal. He on the other hand did not and for this I feel very guilty. I still feel compelled to be the man. All tuff and stone faced. never allowing myself to feel a single emotion. Oh well that's all for now.

Love and service,
Reed Jackson

Im back!!!

Well, I survived my road trip and had a wonderful time. I am not really sure what I was looking for when I left Lubbock in mid May but I knew I was missing something. After arriving in Dillon, Montana and spending a day with my mother I knew something was wrong. I could not put my finger on it but i was sure she was hiding something from me. After hours prying, she finally spilled her guts and let me know what was going on. At this point she decided that she wanted to go away for a day or 2 until things cooled off around town. After spending several hours with her in the car she opened up to me and I actually had the opportunity to be of service to her. Are relationship is usually a one way street, she is usually the wise sage and I am the humble student seeking her advice on everything from pot roasts to who I should vote for in the next election. After giving her some good old AA/Alanon advice I realised that our relationship would never be the same again. I have finally found what I have been craving for as long as I have been sober. An adult relationship with my mother. I am still new at it and every time she calls me for advice I am still a little weirded out. I guess I am at the point in recovery where I have enough experience in life that I can actually provide practical advice to others. What a wonderful place to be.Getting sober at 19 I never really felt like I had enough life experience to be able to relate to most other alcoholics. Now at 23 I have experience with all sorts of life situations and dilemmas. It good to finally feel like I have something good contribute to the world. God knows I took for so long it is about time I started giving back. That's all for now.

Reed Jackson

The Trigger

I am not sure what is happening, but I feel compelled to write something. I was recently reminded that I am still an addict and am not sure what to make of it. My coworker was once a meth cook (he used to make meth) and was discussing it with me last week. With almost four years of sobriety I think I should be more recovered than I am. I still can’t really talk about meth because when I do I literally salivate. This last time with my coworker instead of fantasizing about how I could get away with using one more time, I immediately was very fearful of the consequences of using again. I guess that is progress. On the topic of emotions I also feel very broken. I go through periods of intense emotions usually lasting no more than a month, and then go through a period of total detachment usually lasting at least 2 months. The more meetings I go to the more aware I become of this defect. My schedule is completely screwed up as well. Class is over and I have finals this week. Then I have 3 weeks of nothing to do. I am thinking of going to Montana. I find peace there. They only have a few meetings a week so I am not as active in AA when I am there but I feel like it heals my soul. I guess I am also trying to define the god of my own understanding and without an instruction manual (bible or big book) it is very difficult. I am taking a class in the fall called “the philosophy of religion” maybe that will provide me with some guidance. I have found neither the bible nor the church helpful in this search for meaning in my life. I feel closest to god when I drive, usually long distances, by myself. That’s all for now.

Love and Service,
Reed

Wednesday, May 2, 2007

For the idea of altruism
For accepting my alcoholism
For money in the bank
That I no longer shoot crank
For being done with English 1 as of 5:00 p.m.
For not coughing up phlegm
For work never being truly done
For a chance to be a better son
For the power of prayer
That I no longer consider myself a player
Pray for my Aunt (battling this disease)
Help me keep an open mind and stay focused
Quote of the day:
The Argument from Intimidation is a confession of intellectual impotence.
Ayn Rand, The Virtue of Selfishness, 1964US (Russian-born) novelist (1905 - 1982)
The quality of a person's life is in direct proportion to their commitment to excellence, regardless of their chosen field of endeavor.
Vincent T. Lombardi

Tuesday, May 1, 2007

For moms birthday (Happy Birthday Mom)
For surviving a busy day
For meeting new peeps
That i no longer give my self the creeps
For finals that i take before finals week
That my still a freak
For down time at home
That im not a gnome (im not sure how i would handle that)
For my puppy dogs that never talk back
That I rarely feel compelled to talk smack
Pray for peace (not war James)
Help me grow
Quote of the day:
In heaven all the interesting people are missing. -- Friedrich Nietzsche

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

For Antony (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ybcf74mXDv8)
That all I have to do is be me
That school is almost over (until summer school starts)
That I didn't name my dog rover
That I got paid
That I don't have a French Maid (that would just be weird)
For Chicken tikka masala
That I don't pop my colla
For a talk with a friend
That I no longer feel compelled to start a new fashion trend
Help me grow
Pray for peace
Quote of the day:
If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.
Woody AllenUS movie actor, comedian, & director (1935 - )

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

For pulling 2 papers out of nowhere in less than 4 hours
For my spuerior mental powers (yeah right)
For a newcomer who isnt new
For being able to be true
For Indian food
For the ability to change my mood
For hatebreed (awesome band)
That my name is Reed (even though they call me saxaphone)
That Mom is back from Mexico
That just for today I dont have to be a hoe (old behavior)
Pray for peace
Help me grow
Quote of the day:
I finally figured out the only reason to be alive is to enjoy it. -- Rita Mae Brown

View from my backyard

For my new job (thank god I am finally making money)
That I am a friend of Dr. Bob
That I am no longer filled with anger (and I can be of service to those that are)
That I no longer identify myself as a banger
That I no longer suffer from foot-in-mouth disease
That today I say thank you and please
For an opportunity to talk with my English teacher
that I am not a preacher (thank God)
For daily quotes in my inbox (www.quotationspage.com)
For being a sexy fox (lol)
Help me grow
Pray for all those still in anger
Quote of the day:
The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth. -- Niels Bohr

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Proof that God exists

For Cisco's gratitude A-Z
For the occasional glimpse of what it is like to be happy, joyous, and free
For learning when to use me and when to use I in my English class
That I have a tank full of gas
For my step and traditions study on Wednesday nights (6:00 at the Lubbock Group)
That I no longer smoke "northern lights"
For step 2 (from the 12 and 12)
That my resentments today are but a few
For Karl Marx
For state parks (Palo Duro Canyon rocks)
Help me focus, focus, focus
Pray for peace and ALH
Quote of the day:
My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive with our frail and feeble mind.
Albert EinsteinUS (German-born) physicist (1879 - 1955

Wednesday

For communication
For pontification
For Lasagna
For not being named Lawanda
For a step study that I am chairing tonight
For no desire to fight
That my week is almost over
For my dogs that aren't named Rover
For a new budget
For Nike and "Just do it"
Help me budget
Pray for all those at Virginia Tech
Quote of the day:
We need not to be let alone. We need to be really bothered once in a while. How long is it since you were really bothered? About something important, about something real? -- Ray Bradbury, Fahrenheit 451, 1953

Monday

For new student orientation (Friday at Tech)
For a new occupation (Helping a friend remodel houses)
That summer is almost here
That I don't drink beer
For an opportunity to chair a meeting
That I am a human being
For A paper that I pulled out of no where
That I don't have to deal with long hair
For sleeping in
That I don't drink gin
Pray for peace
Help me focus on school
Quote of the day:
Just because something doesn't do what you planned it to do doesn't mean it's useless. -- Thomas A. EdisonThe trouble with facts is that there are so many of them. -- Samuel McChord Crothers, The Gentle Reader

Sat

For Philip Glass
That I no longer smoke grass
For an opportunity to be of service even if I am not present
That I am not a pheasant
For Lubbock Lambda
That my parents did not name me Amanda
For growing up in AA
For living in today
That my friends don't care about hurting my feelings (they are honest)
For an opportunity to go to more meetings
Pray for sanity
Help me grow
Quote of the day:
Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made sense from things she found in gift shops. -- Kurt Vonnegut, Slaughterhouse Five

Sleep Now!!!

Well it is 1 am on Friday and I am unable to sleep. I am not sure what to say so I guess I will just keep typing until I figure it out. I have called into work 2 days in a row for some strange reason. I think I may be depressed. I plan on going to a meeting this morning at 6 so maybe I will find some peace there. I can not shut off my brain. It is like an endless movie of what I could and should have done. I have not had a drink in 3 and a half years and I still have trouble coping with reality. I feel I should be recovered by now but I guess time takes time. The longer I stay sober the more I am reminded that I am not normal. I would love to be a round peg that fits in a round hole but I feel I am a very square peg trying to fit into a very round hole. This may have something to do with my expectations of myself but god only knows. That's all for now.

Reed

Thursday, April 12, 2007

For A 12 and 12 study that went very well
That I don't believe in Hell
For emails from friends of bill
That I no longer solve my problems with a pill
For a joke about a hormone
That only one person calls me saxophone (what's that about?)
For my glasses (helps me see the world in a whole new light)
For all of my classes (even statistics)
For Talking dogs (thanks Cisco)
For my new clogs
Pray for guidance
Help me grow
Quote of the day:
I envy people who drink. At least they have something to blame everything on.
Oscar Levant (1906 - 1972

FUN PERSONALITY TESTS
Jung Typology Test
http://similarminds.com/jung.html

Big 5 Personality Test
http://www.outofservice.com/bigfive

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

For therapy
That I don't need hairapy
For sleeping in
That I don't believe in sin
For intentions that match my actions
For my TI-83 (calculator) that handles all of my fractions
That people rarely do what I tell them too (thank god!!!)
For going number 2
For Victor passing is driving test
That all I ever have to do is my best
Pray that everyone's needs are met
Help me decide on a topic for my next paper (a letter to an elected official)
Quote of the day:
The first question I ask myself when something doesn't seem to be beautiful is why do I think it's not beautiful. And very shortly you discover that there is no reason. -- John Cage

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

For a morning meeting filled with people just like me
For occasionally feeling happy, joyous, and free
For a chat on AIM
For the realization that I am not destined for fame
For getting up before the sun
For learning how to have fun
For being back at school
That I no longer drool
That I remember what I did last night
For being able to chose when and where I fight
Pray for everyone
Help me grow
Quote of the day:
One of the advantages of being disorderly is that one is constantly making exciting discoveries. -- A. A. Milne

Monday, April 9, 2007

For a big book study at my house
For not being as quite as a mouse
For having Monday off
That I don't have a cough
For an opertnuity to make a BIG amends
For new friends
For no more snow
That I dont feel low
For taking it easy
That I dont feel queezie
Pray for peace
Help me grow
Quote for the day:
Most human beings have an almost infinite capacity for taking things for granted. -- Aldous Huxley

Saturday, April 7, 2007

For snow in Huntsville
For doing the deal
For spending time with mom
That my life is "da bomb"
For coffee with Eldub
For meetings at The Hub
For not going crazy
For not being lazy
For Grindhouse (a must see movie)
That I am not a mouse
Pray for everyone!!!
Help not be so selfish
Quote of the day:
The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
Elizabeth TaylorBritish movie actress (1932 - )
Love and service,
Reed Jackson

Thursday

For an awesome meeting at 6:30 AM
That when I polish my program I shine like a gem
For an opportunity to be of service (someone asked me to sponsor them)
That my name isn't Jarvis
For the realization that everything is going to be OK
For remembering to live in today
For the blogosphere
For facing fear (not really but it does rhyme)
For burritos from my sweetheart
That I say excuse me after I fart
Pray for those not willing to ask for help
Help me stay awake on my drive to Houston
Quote of the day:
When you give up drinking, you have to deal with that wonderful personality that started you drinking in the first place.
Oscar Levant(1906 - 1972)
Love and service,
Reed Jackson

Wednesday

For no longer feeling like crap
For time to take a nap
For keeping everyone up to date on my blog
For coming out of the fog
For Dave's words of honesty
For understanding the word integrity
For a prayer from Cisco
For inspiration from Dumbo
For a powerful meeting about step 4
That I can't hear myself snore
Pray for Aaron, Mark, Robert, Tom, Ed, Don, Marcio, Shay, Cisco, Dani, Mark, Mom, Jason, Victor, Lloyd, Sheldon, Adrian, Brian O, Brian H, Mikey, Sydney, Dad, Emily, Kenny, Stan, Mary M, Byron, Mike F, Steve, Stuart, Kelly, Matt, Dave, Landers, MJ, Topher, Chance, Leo, Abby, Frida, Xuxa, and Malu
Help me focus
Quote of the day:
Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.
Dave Barry "The Taming of the Screw"US columnist & humorist (1947 - )
Love and service,
Reed Jackson

Tuesday

For staying home from work
That even though I am sick I don't have to act like a jerk
For keeping an open mind
For looking inside me and being ok with what I find
For love
That AA fits me like a glove
For finding someone that understands me
For step 3
For starting another new meeting
For the art of just being

Pray for peace

Help me grow

Quote of the day:
My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
Henny YoungmanUS (English-born) comedian (1906 - 1998)

My Story

What it was like

This is me when I had 6 months

Taken in January of 2004

I started drinking at the age of 13. I consumed an entire bottle of plum sake and half of a bottle of Bailey’s Irish Cream. Later that evening I blacked out and the next morning I was scolded by my mother for drinking. I did not drink again for at least 6 months. At the age of 14, I moved to Houston where I discovered cocaine and LSD. In July of 1998 I went on a cocaine binge and moved in with my dealer. My father tracked me down and ordered me to come home immediately. After much protest I agreed that it was time to come home and he came to get me. After he picked me up he realized that I had recently taken LSD so he called a friend in AA who took care of me until I came down. My drug dealer’s home was raided by the DEA a few days later and I have not seen him since. After that incident I went back to my mother’s house in Huntsville and did not use drugs again for several years. When it came time for high school I decided that I didn’t fit in so I talked my mom into letting me be home schooled. Later, I ended up going to public high school for a semester and then decided to get my GED. I went to massage therapy school in 2001 where I rediscovered cocaine. I could party all night with friends and then keep going though the day with cocaine. This was also when I discovered ecstasy/MDMA. Once a week or so, my friend and I would host parties with ecstasy, whip-its and the occasional bag of crystal meth. After about 3 months the person I was living with and I had a falling out and I moved into my own apartment near downtown Houston. My mother had paid 6 months of my rent and it was my responsibility to find a job and pay my bills. I found a job at a local coffee shop and things went great for about 2 weeks. Then, I figured I could throw my own parties like the ones I used to throw with my roommate. The parties were great until I started noticing that people in my life were beginning to think I had a problem. Around this time in November I entered my first long term relationship. This person moved in after only knowing me 2 weeks and we fell in love. I thought the person drank too much and the person thought I did too many drugs. We were two peas in a pod. After 3 months I quit my job and ran out of money so we decided it would be a good idea to move in with my ex…this was when the downward spiral truly began. I was smoking pot every day as well as occasionally using meth and ecstasy. This living arrangement lasted only a few months. We moved into a two bedroom apartment and then my massage therapy business took off. I was making 300 to 400 dollars weekly and spending all of my income on drugs. When rent was due I would call my mother and complain about how the person I was living with could not cover their half of the rent and she would provide it for me. During this period I turned 18 and discovered the club scene. My spouse and I were regulars at a local nightclub and would frequently invite the staff to come back to our place and party after the club closed around 3:30 or 4 AM. This pattern worked until June of 2002. We were out on a deer lease for the weekend and I drove off of a cliff on a four-wheeler and cracked the bone in my left thumb. I would never be able to work as a massage therapist again. Some friends from the night club offered me a job so I began working. This is where I stopped using meth for fun and started using it like a normal person would use coffee. At this point my spouse realized I was out of control and left me. It was not long before I was evicted and moved into my sister’s condo. She said I was welcome to stay there until I could get on my feet but she soon became annoyed with me and moved out of her own condo to live with her spouse. When she left I had the condo to myself and for the first time I began to use drugs by myself. It was no longer a social thing. At this point even I was aware that I had a problem. Living by myself worked until November of 2002 at which point my power was cut off because I never checked the mail and hadn’t paid the electric bill in 6 months. I found someone to stay with for a while and that was what I did until we had a falling out after only a few weeks. In December I went to my mom’s house for Christmas and then immediately drove back to my condo because I had to work at the night club the next day. At the condo I was using candles as a heat source as well as for light and somehow managed to catch my fleece pants and jacket that I had just gotten for Christmas on fire. This was probably another red flag that I had missed. Later that week at work I joked about it with my coworkers and we all laughed about it. In February of 2003 I shot up meth for the second time and was hooked. I somehow managed to get the power to the condo turned back on and invited the person who had taught me how to shoot up to come live with me. At this point in my life things went from bad to worse very quickly. We would pool are money that we had made that week in tips and buy enough meth to last us from Friday until Sunday morning. When this stopped working we started buying marijuana as well as wine to deal with weekdays. We had no money for food so we would ransack the condo for loose change and go buy cases of ramen noodles. We would eat usually 2 to 3 times a week because we were usually so high on meth that it was impossible to eat. In August of 2003 my grandmother died and I stole 300$ from my mother to go deal with her death the best way I knew how. I purchased 3.5 grams of meth and made my way back to the condo where I was living. I shot up the largest amount I had ever shot up before and it didn’t work. I could no longer get high. I kept trying 8 more days with alcohol, marijuana, xanex, meth, GHB, nothing worked. The party was over. On Thursday, August 14, 2003 I took my last drink. The following day I went to rehab began to work the steps.

What it is like now
After attending rehab in Stephenville, Texas I was discharged to a halfway house in north Houston. I began to develop friendships that would last a lifetime. I also began to take a good look at my past behavior what led up to my life becoming so unmanageable. After only being sober 1 and a half months I got a job working for the mental health department in the Harris County jail. They trained me on how to use Microsoft Works as well as the maintenance of basic office equipment (Fax machine, copier, printer, phones.) I began to realize that I was not a bad person I simply made some poor decisions. I got my first sponsee when I was a year sober and I took him through the steps. Our schedules began to conflict after several months of work so we decided it would be best to move on and he found another sponsor with a schedule more like his own. I worked the steps for the very first time when I had about 6 months sober and it was truly a liberating experience. I actually looked forward to making amends and cleaning up the wreckage of the past. In the summer of 2006 I decided to quit my job at the mental health department after 3 years of hard work and move to Lubbock. When I arrived I felt very alone and isolated. I no longer could go to coffee with my support group, the only contact I had with them was through email or by phone. After about a month of this I decided it was time to begin to build a new support group. I started going to meetings and made new friends. I found a new sponsor and am currently working on the 4th step with him. Moving to Lubbock has forced me to adapt to change as well as to keep contact with a new support group. I surround myself today with people who have what I want. I typically go to 4 or 5 meetings a week but in the past week I have gone to 10.
This Picture was taken April 1, 2007

Monday, April 2, 2007

Well I guess this is day number one of for me. I am trying to quit smoking and I just found another pack of cigarettes in my backpack. Going to as many meetings as I can and that seems to be helping. My friends and I just started a new big book study so that is fun. I guess that is it for now. School is going well and I have another class at 4. All in all i guess things are great. Mikey and I are doing well. I'm just taking things one day at a time. I would also like to thank Dave for inspiring me to create a blog.