The sober horse thief

So I survived summer I. now I am having trouble slowing down to enjoy the short few weeks I have until summer II begins. I’ve gotten so used to running at full steam that I am not sure what to with all this free time. I have tried reading, cleaning, playing with the dog, watching TV and nothing seems to work. When I discussed the fact that I was reading 4 books at once with my sponsor she asked if perhaps I was trying to keep myself distracted. There it is, another moment of clarity, don’t blink or you may miss it. My being over productive is just a way of avoiding taking that look hard look at my behavior. What I did before I got into recovery isn’t that scary; I’ve dealt with it and moved on. What truly scares me is taking a look at my behavior in recovery. I had an excuse before recovery; I mean does it really count if I was in a blackout? Being of sober mind and body for almost 5 years, I still behave like an alcoholic tornado wrecking havoc on the lives of those around me on a somewhat regular basis. I guess this leads me back to an old AA adage, “what do you get when you sober up a horse thief? A sober horse thief.” I take this to mean, just because I’m sober doesn’t mean I stop being a jackass. I guess this is just another “phase of my development” or “an opportunity for growth”. With that I guess ill close, I’ve run out of things to say, but I would like to quote a friend. I can’t remember exactly how he put it but it went something like this “I don’t walk through adversity, I run through it, screaming with my arms flailing!” so I guess this is me flailing. Lol.