Gratitude and a spiritual experience

So there I was driving back to Houston, again. Its six a.m. and I get a craving for a breakfast sandwich. I stop in at a gas station pick up a sandwich and am on my way. Fifty miles down the road the rumbling in my tummy begins. Fifty more miles and it happens, up comes the sandwich and that’s when I realize something may be wrong. Instead of turning around I decide to drive faster. I puke every half hour until I arrive in Houston around one. I get to my dad’s and lie down, assuming it will go away if I sleep it off. I wake up a few hours later and am still worse off. At this point I become concerned, I call around at get advice from a number of sources. I finally decide to head to the hospital assuming I will probably be laughed at for going to the hospital for a “tummy ache”. I have a hard time walking the 1000 feet from the parking lot to the ER and have to rest several times. When I arrive in the ER I am exhausted and throw up one more time. I am seen thirty minutes later and they take my vitals. BP 60/13 Pulse 168 Temp 100.3. The staff seems a bit worried and gets me back into a room. I explain that I must have eaten something bad and they agree. After a few hours they tell me I have food poisoning and a kidney infection and that I was pretty close to death when I came in. So I try not to freak out and wait for things to change. I have to explain to five different nurses that it is impossible to hit a vein in my right arm. They disagree but I prove them wrong and end up with bruises to show for it. My fever begins to climb and my blood pressure levels off at 80/30 so they decide to admit me. My fever peeks around 103.6 and I get loopy. At this point I go thru my phone and leave a number of people voicemails. I curse them for not answering their phone and I tell them that I admire them as people and love them and value our friendship. I begin to get worse and fade in and out of consciousness. When I am asleep I dream of an angelic scene with classical music and someone informing me that it isn’t my time. That I should stop wasting so much time and focus on the important things. I am filled with a sense of unique purpose although I am unclear what that purpose is. Resentments begin to seem nonsensical and I truly begin to feel the presence of my creator in that hospital room. After a night of this I wake in the morning and begin to come around. I am discharged by noon and make it to the gratitude lunch at Lambda. My dad and I both share about being grateful and I am truly moved. I spend more time with friends and catch up. I spend hours talking with some of my closest friends and have deep and meaningful conversations about chocolate and God and AA and Jesus. When I finally make it back to Lubbock I am a changed man. I hope it lasts but only time will tell. It was great seeing everyone this weekend and thank you all for your prayers.

Reed

The sober horse thief

So I survived summer I. now I am having trouble slowing down to enjoy the short few weeks I have until summer II begins. I’ve gotten so used to running at full steam that I am not sure what to with all this free time. I have tried reading, cleaning, playing with the dog, watching TV and nothing seems to work. When I discussed the fact that I was reading 4 books at once with my sponsor she asked if perhaps I was trying to keep myself distracted. There it is, another moment of clarity, don’t blink or you may miss it. My being over productive is just a way of avoiding taking that look hard look at my behavior. What I did before I got into recovery isn’t that scary; I’ve dealt with it and moved on. What truly scares me is taking a look at my behavior in recovery. I had an excuse before recovery; I mean does it really count if I was in a blackout? Being of sober mind and body for almost 5 years, I still behave like an alcoholic tornado wrecking havoc on the lives of those around me on a somewhat regular basis. I guess this leads me back to an old AA adage, “what do you get when you sober up a horse thief? A sober horse thief.” I take this to mean, just because I’m sober doesn’t mean I stop being a jackass. I guess this is just another “phase of my development” or “an opportunity for growth”. With that I guess ill close, I’ve run out of things to say, but I would like to quote a friend. I can’t remember exactly how he put it but it went something like this “I don’t walk through adversity, I run through it, screaming with my arms flailing!” so I guess this is me flailing. Lol.

New perspectives and old ideas

So it has been almost 8 days since my last cigarette, I feel ok. Still a little edgy, and at sometimes I feel the compulsion to do something, not really smoke, just to do something random and unplanned. This fits nicely with Leshner’s addiction is a brain disease model. (http://www.issues.org/17.3/leshner.htm) In this, Leshner talks about the obsessive and compulsive component of addiction. My desire to smoke can be relieved by doing something less hazardous to my health; as long as it is done on the fly, and not planned out. Cycling seems to be my cure all for cravings. It is a repetitive task that involves some rituals just as my addiction has. I recently also learned about the six key components to long term recovery according to the CSAR (center for the study of addiction and recovery). The first and possibly most important component is hope or purpose. When I was in my addiction my life was meaningless and my only hope was that God in all his wisdom would remove me from this earth and end my existence as a lifeless shell of a human being. Now that I have found recovery I have hope, hope of a brighter tomorrow. My life is filled with purpose and meaning, I reach out to others and do my best to enrich the environment around me on a daily basis. The next component is positive identity development. This happens when the addict stops thinking of themselves as a bad person, and starts thinking of themselves as having a positive impact on the community. Reclamation of agency sounds a lot more complicated than it is. This basically means that the addict begins to feel as if they have gained the power to make their decisions and are no longer controlled by their addiction. A sense of achievement or accomplishment is also essential recovery. Next the addict must develop a capacity for stable interpersonal relations. This means healthy long term intimate relationships, not just sexual partners but friends as well. Finally the addict must develop healthy coping skills. I can no longer rely on getting high or even abusing tobacco to deal with things that trouble me. An excellent example of a healthy coping skill would be cycling. Well kind of at least. Anything done to excess can be hazardous to my health. For now at least I view cycling as a healthy way of dealing with those day to day problems. Ok I think I have babbled enough about recovery for one day.

Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward.
-- Kurt Vonnegut

Tobacco free, hurray for me!

06/16/08

So I quit smoking for the fifth time in as many years. I feel good about the decision, and at the moment I am taking things one minute at a time. I still get triggered, now more than ever, but I don’t smoke or eat fast food, now I just cycle, and cycle, and cycle. My house is cleaner than ever, all my laundry is done, and the yard has been mowed. It’s amazing how productive you can be when you are going through withdrawals. After almost five years in the program I have found myself at step three once again; only this time with a little more clarity, and perhaps a deeper understanding my higher power. Step three came so easy for me the first time. I was so young then and so much more willing. It pains me to admit that over the years I have actually grown even less tolerant of things like organized religion or even active addiction. The big book warns us of contempt prior to investigation, but what about contempt after investigation? I guess contempt is more a step 6 or 7 issue so I guess I am not quite there yet. Starting completely over with my new sponsor has changed me even more then I originally changed when working the steps. Alcohol was but a symptom! I can finally see this. What an incredible moment of clarity. I am not a saint but for some reason I expect angelic behavior from me. Have I missed the part in how it works that says “we are not saints”. It’s amazing how much an alcoholic brain can over complicate things. Keep it simple, that’s it; just keep it simple, no more reading between the lines. Those little 3 word mantras mean so much more today than they did in early recovery. Back then the only way to keep things was simple. Am I really reminiscing about living in a halfway house in one of the rougher parts of Houston where I could sit in the back porch at night and listen to gun fire? Oh my. I guess that’s all for now.

And remember, no matter where you go, there you are.
-- Earl Mac Rauch, from "Buckaroo Bansai"

Triggers and other strange things related to guns and substance abuse

Saying that this is a trigger or that is a trigger or when I do this I want to use seems entirely too time consuming. If I made a list of every little thing that has or may trigger me weather its related to drugs, alcohol, or fast food I would be here all morning and probably end up missing my test. Instead I always carry with me in my head and in my heart a plan of action. What am I going to do if I get triggered? Call my sponsor or a close friend, go to my home group or a local coffee shop, and get out of my head. I cannot predict when I may get triggered because to be honest it happens several times each day. If I were to try and avoid triggers I would end up locking myself in a closet only to be triggered again when I looked at my arms. I can no longer life in fear of the next drink or trigger or happy meal or cigarette, but I can be prepared to act if and when I feel compelled to use.

Ode to Tobacco
So goodbye old friend, sweet nicotine how I will miss you so, clogging my sinuses early every morning and polluting each of my blacked lungs, I cannot say if we shall see each other again somewhere along this endless cycle of relapse and recovery. The cost has again begun to outweigh the benefit and therefore most bid yey a due. No more sweet nights of gossiping hens, coffee, and cigarettes. In saying goodbye I wish to leave you with this song.

Rufus Wainwright- Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk

We are continually faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems.
-- John W. Gardner

Give me the burger and no one gets hurt!

Being in recovery for almost 5 years I have never had the opportunity to experience a relapse. That was until Friday. I hope that no one reading this will be offended when I compare my relapse on fast food with that of alcohol or drugs. So there I was sitting on the steps of the Hunan Sciences building, gorging myself in a feast of French fried goodness, god I love the French, when none other than my professor walks by, I had already disposed of the evidence so as not to arouse suspicions, but I neglected to dispose of my cup. Caught red handed all I could do was laugh. I could not help but feel a little shame. I assumed that eating a chicken sandwich instead of a hamburger was ok. I guess not. She did not shun me, so I did the shunning for her. I truly cannot imagine what it must feel like to relapse but I hope that this experience has provided me with at least a minor example of what it would feel like if I ever did.

I think my emotional state lately has been disconnected. I find that this tends to help when coping with lots of BIG things. Somewhere between a loved one having breast cancer and losing a friend I seem to have unplugged my emotional guitar from the amp that we call life. Although this has been an effective coping mechanism for me in the past, after talking with my sponsor about it, I have begun to notice how often I do it. This is stage three or preparation in the stages of change model. This is the stage just before action or change. I am fully aware of my behavior and have set goals to stop doing it but, it is still working for me at the moment. I am on step 3 and I guess being emotionally disconnected would fall somewhere into steps 6 or 7. My sponsor says I’m right where I should be and that is always reassuring so I guess this is just another phase of my development.

Science may set limits to knowledge, but should not set limits to imagination.
-- Bertrand Russell

Piety and Virtue

June 5, 2008

“Let’s not confuse virtue with piety”, wise words from a good friend of mine in Houston. In a place of recovery where everything seems addictive, that simple sentence can mean so much. Just because I am in recovery doesn’t mean I have to quit smoking, or eating, or any of the other things I love to do. Another day fast food free and still no sign that it’s going to get any easier. Sure I am spending less money, learning to cook, and becoming “domesticated”, but am I really happy. I mean isn’t Amanda at the drive-thru going to miss our late night exchanges of piping hot trans fat? I guess to her I was just another pretty face looking to get a fried fix at 225 on a Friday morning. Does this mean that I shouldn’t go into fast food places unless I have a valid reason for being there? Similar to the way that AA’s aren’t supposed to be in bars unless they have a valid reason? God this is getting insane. I am not addicted to fast food. I just quit it for an addictions class. For five freaking weeks I cannot eat a god damn hamburger. How is that hard? I guess when you attempt to apply not so much the steps of AA but all those unstated rules to an addictive behavior such as eating too much fast food you just end up sounding completely insane. Which I guess is an accurate representation of where I currently am at.

Oh and another new development in my recovery, apparently I was an ACOA (adult child of an alcoholic) and didn’t even know it. I have 22 of the 29 characteristics that most have. You only need 10 to be considered an ACOA. I find this odd because my parents never really drank around me, so where did I learn this behavior? I assume that my parents, although they didn’t really drink around me, are still ACOA’s because of their parents, and because of this passed down those traits without even involving alcohol. So, piety virtue and ACOA, what a nice summer bouquet of recovery; maybe next week I can add even more big words that I don’t understand to the mix.

If people never did silly things, nothing intelligent would ever get done. -- Ludwig Wittgenstein

June 4, 2008

Giving up fast food has taken me right back to that place where I was 1755 days ago. In a place where temptation lies around every corner and just because your friends are doing it doesn’t mean you can. Have I really taken it this far? Viewing fast food the same way I view crystal meth? Well both are harmful, both can become expensive, and I guess both be fatal? But fast food is such a staple of the American diet. There is no way that it can harmful. And yet our waistlines bulge and those patent leather pants I wore in high school just will not button. I recently watched a documentary filmed in the 1950s and 60s and I could not help but notice how fit everyone was. Have we really only become an obese nation in the past 50 years? How could we let this happen? Well for me at least it’s just because it’s so damn good. I’ve been forced to rethink my diet, actually go grocery shopping, eat healthy, and live on a budget. That’s right 4 and half years after sobriety I am finally becoming domesticated. It feels great but I never thought it would be such a struggle, just to change a few eating habits. Next on my long list of things to quit is soda, and smoking, and caffeine, oh and driving. That’s right I said it, I want to stop driving.

I was recently in a class and my professor explained the steps in a way that changed how I view them. He broke them down in to 3 groups, 1-3, 4-9, and 10-12. Steps 1-3 are about power. About giving up power and allowing some higher power to guide and direct your thinking. Not surrendering your free will necessarily but just remembering who is really in charge, and making sure it isn’t you. Step 4-9 are about forgiveness and redemption, starting with forgiving yourself and then learning to forgive others. Finally steps 10-12 are all about service, service to your fellow man as well as daily cultivation of your spiritual condition. And finally learning that I only have control over what I say and do.

Oh and just a side note I gave up fast food for a class and I don’t actually think I have a problem with it lol. I received a flood of concerned emails expressing concern about my new found addiction. So don’t worry I haven’t added fast food to the addicted to list yet.

Some have been thought brave because they were afraid to run away.
-- Thomas Fuller

Giving up Fast Food

June 3, 2008
I am growing to regret my decision to give up fast food more each day. I rode my bicycle by a Wendy’s yesterday afternoon and the aroma was overpowering, beckoning me as if it were the nectar of the gods; begging for just a moment of my time with promises of intestinal distress and a soft stool. Giving up fast food has reminded me of the shear insanity that once plagued me early in recovery. My triggers are no longer syringes or beer commercials, but something much more Machiavellian. They have become golden arches and smiling Hambuggerlugs waiting around every corner, to hijack that neuropath way and rocket me into a state of euphoric sedation. Step one we admitted we were powerless over fast food and that our lives had become unmanageable? Really? My life is unmanageable because of freaking fast food? If I weighed 800 Lbs and was unable to leave my bed, maybe then my life would be unmanageable, but not right now. This of course, sounds just like the time I tried and failed to convince myself that I wasn’t an alcoholic because I wasn’t a hobo.

Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
-- Mark Twain

Sunday, January 6, 2008

Happiness in pill form. So yeah I am back on Wellbutrin I think there is some kind of a placebo effect for me initially because I already feel a lot better. I feel more focused, alert, motivated, but not elevated. I’ve still made a meeting everyday this year. I am still flawed but that’s ok today. I think I was so distracted for so long with school, mom, relationships, and anything else I could get my hands on that I neglected my program. Now that I have no distractions for the moment it has been almost upsetting to remember that I too have issues. Oh well that’s all for now.
some say the road gets narrower as get more time, but sometimes i think the road just looks narrower because i am fatter. - friend of Bill

Reed

Saturday, January 05, 2008:

I find that the longer I stay sober the more unacceptable my defects of character become. Before I got sober when I was rude or antisocial or made a poor decision I could justify it by saying “I can’t help it! I have a drug problem!!” but today with a little over 4 years of sobriety I can’t blame the decisions I make or the way I act on anyone or anything. I guess I just find that when I hurt someone today it’s much more noticeable today. I recently made a bad judgment call and in the process I hurt someone I love very much. There is no way I can change what I did but I can try and amend my behavior so as to not let it happen again. Ok that’s all for now.


Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke. -- Lynda Barry

A new leaf

I think I am going to try something new with my gratitude list. Instead of rhyming 10 things that I am grateful for everyday, which I have not done in quite some time, I am just going to talk about where I am at in my recovery today. It is my belief that this will allow me to be much more honest and open about things and therefore be much more useful to my recovery.
Friday, January 04, 2008 I have made a meeting everyday this year. For me this is a big deal. I am not normally the type that goes to 7 meetings a week but I think part of my new year’s resolution will be to make more meetings. I seem to function better when I make meetings and I begin to feel connected to the AA of West Texas (never ever thought I would say that). Not that I have anything against West Texas AA but ok I do. Definitely something I need to work on. I just get a little upset when we have what I like to call a Jesus Christ meeting, that’s where someone mentions Jesus and the next ten people talk about how Jesus Christ is there personal Lord and savior. Oh well, it has defiantly helped me with my patience and tolerance. So today I guess today I am grateful for patience and tolerance.
Unprovided with original learning, unformed in the habits of thinking, unskilled in the arts of composition, I resolved to write a book. -- Edward Gibbon