About Me

Lubbock (From Houston), Texas, United States
I am a recovering addict/alcoholic and have been sober since 8/15/2003

Monday, June 16, 2008

Tobacco free, hurray for me!

06/16/08

So I quit smoking for the fifth time in as many years. I feel good about the decision, and at the moment I am taking things one minute at a time. I still get triggered, now more than ever, but I don’t smoke or eat fast food, now I just cycle, and cycle, and cycle. My house is cleaner than ever, all my laundry is done, and the yard has been mowed. It’s amazing how productive you can be when you are going through withdrawals. After almost five years in the program I have found myself at step three once again; only this time with a little more clarity, and perhaps a deeper understanding my higher power. Step three came so easy for me the first time. I was so young then and so much more willing. It pains me to admit that over the years I have actually grown even less tolerant of things like organized religion or even active addiction. The big book warns us of contempt prior to investigation, but what about contempt after investigation? I guess contempt is more a step 6 or 7 issue so I guess I am not quite there yet. Starting completely over with my new sponsor has changed me even more then I originally changed when working the steps. Alcohol was but a symptom! I can finally see this. What an incredible moment of clarity. I am not a saint but for some reason I expect angelic behavior from me. Have I missed the part in how it works that says “we are not saints”. It’s amazing how much an alcoholic brain can over complicate things. Keep it simple, that’s it; just keep it simple, no more reading between the lines. Those little 3 word mantras mean so much more today than they did in early recovery. Back then the only way to keep things was simple. Am I really reminiscing about living in a halfway house in one of the rougher parts of Houston where I could sit in the back porch at night and listen to gun fire? Oh my. I guess that’s all for now.

And remember, no matter where you go, there you are.
-- Earl Mac Rauch, from "Buckaroo Bansai"

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