Being in recovery for almost 5 years I have never had the opportunity to experience a relapse. That was until Friday. I hope that no one reading this will be offended when I compare my relapse on fast food with that of alcohol or drugs. So there I was sitting on the steps of the Hunan Sciences building, gorging myself in a feast of French fried goodness, god I love the French, when none other than my professor walks by, I had already disposed of the evidence so as not to arouse suspicions, but I neglected to dispose of my cup. Caught red handed all I could do was laugh. I could not help but feel a little shame. I assumed that eating a chicken sandwich instead of a hamburger was ok. I guess not. She did not shun me, so I did the shunning for her. I truly cannot imagine what it must feel like to relapse but I hope that this experience has provided me with at least a minor example of what it would feel like if I ever did.
I think my emotional state lately has been disconnected. I find that this tends to help when coping with lots of BIG things. Somewhere between a loved one having breast cancer and losing a friend I seem to have unplugged my emotional guitar from the amp that we call life. Although this has been an effective coping mechanism for me in the past, after talking with my sponsor about it, I have begun to notice how often I do it. This is stage three or preparation in the stages of change model. This is the stage just before action or change. I am fully aware of my behavior and have set goals to stop doing it but, it is still working for me at the moment. I am on step 3 and I guess being emotionally disconnected would fall somewhere into steps 6 or 7. My sponsor says I’m right where I should be and that is always reassuring so I guess this is just another phase of my development.
Science may set limits to knowledge, but should not set limits to imagination.
-- Bertrand Russell
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