I am not sure what is happening, but I feel compelled to write something. I was recently reminded that I am still an addict and am not sure what to make of it. My coworker was once a meth cook (he used to make meth) and was discussing it with me last week. With almost four years of sobriety I think I should be more recovered than I am. I still can’t really talk about meth because when I do I literally salivate. This last time with my coworker instead of fantasizing about how I could get away with using one more time, I immediately was very fearful of the consequences of using again. I guess that is progress. On the topic of emotions I also feel very broken. I go through periods of intense emotions usually lasting no more than a month, and then go through a period of total detachment usually lasting at least 2 months. The more meetings I go to the more aware I become of this defect. My schedule is completely screwed up as well. Class is over and I have finals this week. Then I have 3 weeks of nothing to do. I am thinking of going to Montana. I find peace there. They only have a few meetings a week so I am not as active in AA when I am there but I feel like it heals my soul. I guess I am also trying to define the god of my own understanding and without an instruction manual (bible or big book) it is very difficult. I am taking a class in the fall called “the philosophy of religion” maybe that will provide me with some guidance. I have found neither the bible nor the church helpful in this search for meaning in my life. I feel closest to god when I drive, usually long distances, by myself. That’s all for now.
Love and Service,
Reed
4 comments:
Keep talking about it with those close to you. Remember that we're only as sick as our secrets.
From what I have heard about meth, your thoughts are quite common. Hang in there big boy.
Reed, I don't know anything about what it's like to be an addict, but I don't think that what you are writing about is different for any of us who have been affected by an addiction of some kind--whether in a family member or with ourselves. Relationships and emotions are powerful stuff. And they change daily. Talk with your sponsor and hang over the big stuff to your HP.
Agreed with dAAve on both accounts.
Road trips are good. Talk to G-d wherever you feel G-d the most.
Peace,
Scout
P.S. r both dogs Weims?
Hey Reed, I can totally relate to the periods of intense emotion followed my periods of detachement. The triggers for the emotional intense months vary each time, but the detachement is easy to explain...I get burnt out easily when it comes to strong emotions....maybe that's why so many attempts at dating people have failed me. (something for me to think about) Either way, you always have friends around who are willing to put up w/ it and to slap you back into reality if need be...and you always have Mikey too...lucky bastard ;-)
Chin up! and lemme know when U make it back to Houston.
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