Well it is 1 am on Friday and I am unable to sleep. I am not sure what to say so I guess I will just keep typing until I figure it out. I have called into work 2 days in a row for some strange reason. I think I may be depressed. I plan on going to a meeting this morning at 6 so maybe I will find some peace there. I can not shut off my brain. It is like an endless movie of what I could and should have done. I have not had a drink in 3 and a half years and I still have trouble coping with reality. I feel I should be recovered by now but I guess time takes time. The longer I stay sober the more I am reminded that I am not normal. I would love to be a round peg that fits in a round hole but I feel I am a very square peg trying to fit into a very round hole. This may have something to do with my expectations of myself but god only knows. That's all for now.
Reed
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2 comments:
I hope you finally got some decent sleep.
I don't think I'll ever be "recovered". I am simply wired differetnly than most people. Recovery kind of rearranges my wiring, putting it back where it should be. But as soon as I stop the recovery process (meetings, working the steps, prayer, etc) my wiring goes right back to where it used to be.
I wouldnt worry too much about not being able to sleep as easily as before. You've gotten a bunch of stuff on your mind...and it CAN lead to depression when you cant figure things out right. I have the same problem A LOT. I dont think recovery has anything to do w/ becoming able to "Cope w/ reality" I dont think I know ANYONE who can cope w/ EVERYthing out there. We all have our weak spots. Just try to put all of your concers down on paper somewhere and look at them. Just bringing them to the surface helps me immensly to figure some things out and able to not worry so much about others. The key is to express those deep down concerns and fears out loud. That alone can be a huge relief.
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