Gratitude and a spiritual experience

So there I was driving back to Houston, again. Its six a.m. and I get a craving for a breakfast sandwich. I stop in at a gas station pick up a sandwich and am on my way. Fifty miles down the road the rumbling in my tummy begins. Fifty more miles and it happens, up comes the sandwich and that’s when I realize something may be wrong. Instead of turning around I decide to drive faster. I puke every half hour until I arrive in Houston around one. I get to my dad’s and lie down, assuming it will go away if I sleep it off. I wake up a few hours later and am still worse off. At this point I become concerned, I call around at get advice from a number of sources. I finally decide to head to the hospital assuming I will probably be laughed at for going to the hospital for a “tummy ache”. I have a hard time walking the 1000 feet from the parking lot to the ER and have to rest several times. When I arrive in the ER I am exhausted and throw up one more time. I am seen thirty minutes later and they take my vitals. BP 60/13 Pulse 168 Temp 100.3. The staff seems a bit worried and gets me back into a room. I explain that I must have eaten something bad and they agree. After a few hours they tell me I have food poisoning and a kidney infection and that I was pretty close to death when I came in. So I try not to freak out and wait for things to change. I have to explain to five different nurses that it is impossible to hit a vein in my right arm. They disagree but I prove them wrong and end up with bruises to show for it. My fever begins to climb and my blood pressure levels off at 80/30 so they decide to admit me. My fever peeks around 103.6 and I get loopy. At this point I go thru my phone and leave a number of people voicemails. I curse them for not answering their phone and I tell them that I admire them as people and love them and value our friendship. I begin to get worse and fade in and out of consciousness. When I am asleep I dream of an angelic scene with classical music and someone informing me that it isn’t my time. That I should stop wasting so much time and focus on the important things. I am filled with a sense of unique purpose although I am unclear what that purpose is. Resentments begin to seem nonsensical and I truly begin to feel the presence of my creator in that hospital room. After a night of this I wake in the morning and begin to come around. I am discharged by noon and make it to the gratitude lunch at Lambda. My dad and I both share about being grateful and I am truly moved. I spend more time with friends and catch up. I spend hours talking with some of my closest friends and have deep and meaningful conversations about chocolate and God and AA and Jesus. When I finally make it back to Lubbock I am a changed man. I hope it lasts but only time will tell. It was great seeing everyone this weekend and thank you all for your prayers.

Reed

The sober horse thief

So I survived summer I. now I am having trouble slowing down to enjoy the short few weeks I have until summer II begins. I’ve gotten so used to running at full steam that I am not sure what to with all this free time. I have tried reading, cleaning, playing with the dog, watching TV and nothing seems to work. When I discussed the fact that I was reading 4 books at once with my sponsor she asked if perhaps I was trying to keep myself distracted. There it is, another moment of clarity, don’t blink or you may miss it. My being over productive is just a way of avoiding taking that look hard look at my behavior. What I did before I got into recovery isn’t that scary; I’ve dealt with it and moved on. What truly scares me is taking a look at my behavior in recovery. I had an excuse before recovery; I mean does it really count if I was in a blackout? Being of sober mind and body for almost 5 years, I still behave like an alcoholic tornado wrecking havoc on the lives of those around me on a somewhat regular basis. I guess this leads me back to an old AA adage, “what do you get when you sober up a horse thief? A sober horse thief.” I take this to mean, just because I’m sober doesn’t mean I stop being a jackass. I guess this is just another “phase of my development” or “an opportunity for growth”. With that I guess ill close, I’ve run out of things to say, but I would like to quote a friend. I can’t remember exactly how he put it but it went something like this “I don’t walk through adversity, I run through it, screaming with my arms flailing!” so I guess this is me flailing. Lol.

New perspectives and old ideas

So it has been almost 8 days since my last cigarette, I feel ok. Still a little edgy, and at sometimes I feel the compulsion to do something, not really smoke, just to do something random and unplanned. This fits nicely with Leshner’s addiction is a brain disease model. (http://www.issues.org/17.3/leshner.htm) In this, Leshner talks about the obsessive and compulsive component of addiction. My desire to smoke can be relieved by doing something less hazardous to my health; as long as it is done on the fly, and not planned out. Cycling seems to be my cure all for cravings. It is a repetitive task that involves some rituals just as my addiction has. I recently also learned about the six key components to long term recovery according to the CSAR (center for the study of addiction and recovery). The first and possibly most important component is hope or purpose. When I was in my addiction my life was meaningless and my only hope was that God in all his wisdom would remove me from this earth and end my existence as a lifeless shell of a human being. Now that I have found recovery I have hope, hope of a brighter tomorrow. My life is filled with purpose and meaning, I reach out to others and do my best to enrich the environment around me on a daily basis. The next component is positive identity development. This happens when the addict stops thinking of themselves as a bad person, and starts thinking of themselves as having a positive impact on the community. Reclamation of agency sounds a lot more complicated than it is. This basically means that the addict begins to feel as if they have gained the power to make their decisions and are no longer controlled by their addiction. A sense of achievement or accomplishment is also essential recovery. Next the addict must develop a capacity for stable interpersonal relations. This means healthy long term intimate relationships, not just sexual partners but friends as well. Finally the addict must develop healthy coping skills. I can no longer rely on getting high or even abusing tobacco to deal with things that trouble me. An excellent example of a healthy coping skill would be cycling. Well kind of at least. Anything done to excess can be hazardous to my health. For now at least I view cycling as a healthy way of dealing with those day to day problems. Ok I think I have babbled enough about recovery for one day.

Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward.
-- Kurt Vonnegut

Tobacco free, hurray for me!

06/16/08

So I quit smoking for the fifth time in as many years. I feel good about the decision, and at the moment I am taking things one minute at a time. I still get triggered, now more than ever, but I don’t smoke or eat fast food, now I just cycle, and cycle, and cycle. My house is cleaner than ever, all my laundry is done, and the yard has been mowed. It’s amazing how productive you can be when you are going through withdrawals. After almost five years in the program I have found myself at step three once again; only this time with a little more clarity, and perhaps a deeper understanding my higher power. Step three came so easy for me the first time. I was so young then and so much more willing. It pains me to admit that over the years I have actually grown even less tolerant of things like organized religion or even active addiction. The big book warns us of contempt prior to investigation, but what about contempt after investigation? I guess contempt is more a step 6 or 7 issue so I guess I am not quite there yet. Starting completely over with my new sponsor has changed me even more then I originally changed when working the steps. Alcohol was but a symptom! I can finally see this. What an incredible moment of clarity. I am not a saint but for some reason I expect angelic behavior from me. Have I missed the part in how it works that says “we are not saints”. It’s amazing how much an alcoholic brain can over complicate things. Keep it simple, that’s it; just keep it simple, no more reading between the lines. Those little 3 word mantras mean so much more today than they did in early recovery. Back then the only way to keep things was simple. Am I really reminiscing about living in a halfway house in one of the rougher parts of Houston where I could sit in the back porch at night and listen to gun fire? Oh my. I guess that’s all for now.

And remember, no matter where you go, there you are.
-- Earl Mac Rauch, from "Buckaroo Bansai"

Triggers and other strange things related to guns and substance abuse

Saying that this is a trigger or that is a trigger or when I do this I want to use seems entirely too time consuming. If I made a list of every little thing that has or may trigger me weather its related to drugs, alcohol, or fast food I would be here all morning and probably end up missing my test. Instead I always carry with me in my head and in my heart a plan of action. What am I going to do if I get triggered? Call my sponsor or a close friend, go to my home group or a local coffee shop, and get out of my head. I cannot predict when I may get triggered because to be honest it happens several times each day. If I were to try and avoid triggers I would end up locking myself in a closet only to be triggered again when I looked at my arms. I can no longer life in fear of the next drink or trigger or happy meal or cigarette, but I can be prepared to act if and when I feel compelled to use.

Ode to Tobacco
So goodbye old friend, sweet nicotine how I will miss you so, clogging my sinuses early every morning and polluting each of my blacked lungs, I cannot say if we shall see each other again somewhere along this endless cycle of relapse and recovery. The cost has again begun to outweigh the benefit and therefore most bid yey a due. No more sweet nights of gossiping hens, coffee, and cigarettes. In saying goodbye I wish to leave you with this song.

Rufus Wainwright- Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk

We are continually faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems.
-- John W. Gardner

Give me the burger and no one gets hurt!

Being in recovery for almost 5 years I have never had the opportunity to experience a relapse. That was until Friday. I hope that no one reading this will be offended when I compare my relapse on fast food with that of alcohol or drugs. So there I was sitting on the steps of the Hunan Sciences building, gorging myself in a feast of French fried goodness, god I love the French, when none other than my professor walks by, I had already disposed of the evidence so as not to arouse suspicions, but I neglected to dispose of my cup. Caught red handed all I could do was laugh. I could not help but feel a little shame. I assumed that eating a chicken sandwich instead of a hamburger was ok. I guess not. She did not shun me, so I did the shunning for her. I truly cannot imagine what it must feel like to relapse but I hope that this experience has provided me with at least a minor example of what it would feel like if I ever did.

I think my emotional state lately has been disconnected. I find that this tends to help when coping with lots of BIG things. Somewhere between a loved one having breast cancer and losing a friend I seem to have unplugged my emotional guitar from the amp that we call life. Although this has been an effective coping mechanism for me in the past, after talking with my sponsor about it, I have begun to notice how often I do it. This is stage three or preparation in the stages of change model. This is the stage just before action or change. I am fully aware of my behavior and have set goals to stop doing it but, it is still working for me at the moment. I am on step 3 and I guess being emotionally disconnected would fall somewhere into steps 6 or 7. My sponsor says I’m right where I should be and that is always reassuring so I guess this is just another phase of my development.

Science may set limits to knowledge, but should not set limits to imagination.
-- Bertrand Russell

Piety and Virtue

June 5, 2008

“Let’s not confuse virtue with piety”, wise words from a good friend of mine in Houston. In a place of recovery where everything seems addictive, that simple sentence can mean so much. Just because I am in recovery doesn’t mean I have to quit smoking, or eating, or any of the other things I love to do. Another day fast food free and still no sign that it’s going to get any easier. Sure I am spending less money, learning to cook, and becoming “domesticated”, but am I really happy. I mean isn’t Amanda at the drive-thru going to miss our late night exchanges of piping hot trans fat? I guess to her I was just another pretty face looking to get a fried fix at 225 on a Friday morning. Does this mean that I shouldn’t go into fast food places unless I have a valid reason for being there? Similar to the way that AA’s aren’t supposed to be in bars unless they have a valid reason? God this is getting insane. I am not addicted to fast food. I just quit it for an addictions class. For five freaking weeks I cannot eat a god damn hamburger. How is that hard? I guess when you attempt to apply not so much the steps of AA but all those unstated rules to an addictive behavior such as eating too much fast food you just end up sounding completely insane. Which I guess is an accurate representation of where I currently am at.

Oh and another new development in my recovery, apparently I was an ACOA (adult child of an alcoholic) and didn’t even know it. I have 22 of the 29 characteristics that most have. You only need 10 to be considered an ACOA. I find this odd because my parents never really drank around me, so where did I learn this behavior? I assume that my parents, although they didn’t really drink around me, are still ACOA’s because of their parents, and because of this passed down those traits without even involving alcohol. So, piety virtue and ACOA, what a nice summer bouquet of recovery; maybe next week I can add even more big words that I don’t understand to the mix.

If people never did silly things, nothing intelligent would ever get done. -- Ludwig Wittgenstein

June 4, 2008

Giving up fast food has taken me right back to that place where I was 1755 days ago. In a place where temptation lies around every corner and just because your friends are doing it doesn’t mean you can. Have I really taken it this far? Viewing fast food the same way I view crystal meth? Well both are harmful, both can become expensive, and I guess both be fatal? But fast food is such a staple of the American diet. There is no way that it can harmful. And yet our waistlines bulge and those patent leather pants I wore in high school just will not button. I recently watched a documentary filmed in the 1950s and 60s and I could not help but notice how fit everyone was. Have we really only become an obese nation in the past 50 years? How could we let this happen? Well for me at least it’s just because it’s so damn good. I’ve been forced to rethink my diet, actually go grocery shopping, eat healthy, and live on a budget. That’s right 4 and half years after sobriety I am finally becoming domesticated. It feels great but I never thought it would be such a struggle, just to change a few eating habits. Next on my long list of things to quit is soda, and smoking, and caffeine, oh and driving. That’s right I said it, I want to stop driving.

I was recently in a class and my professor explained the steps in a way that changed how I view them. He broke them down in to 3 groups, 1-3, 4-9, and 10-12. Steps 1-3 are about power. About giving up power and allowing some higher power to guide and direct your thinking. Not surrendering your free will necessarily but just remembering who is really in charge, and making sure it isn’t you. Step 4-9 are about forgiveness and redemption, starting with forgiving yourself and then learning to forgive others. Finally steps 10-12 are all about service, service to your fellow man as well as daily cultivation of your spiritual condition. And finally learning that I only have control over what I say and do.

Oh and just a side note I gave up fast food for a class and I don’t actually think I have a problem with it lol. I received a flood of concerned emails expressing concern about my new found addiction. So don’t worry I haven’t added fast food to the addicted to list yet.

Some have been thought brave because they were afraid to run away.
-- Thomas Fuller

Giving up Fast Food

June 3, 2008
I am growing to regret my decision to give up fast food more each day. I rode my bicycle by a Wendy’s yesterday afternoon and the aroma was overpowering, beckoning me as if it were the nectar of the gods; begging for just a moment of my time with promises of intestinal distress and a soft stool. Giving up fast food has reminded me of the shear insanity that once plagued me early in recovery. My triggers are no longer syringes or beer commercials, but something much more Machiavellian. They have become golden arches and smiling Hambuggerlugs waiting around every corner, to hijack that neuropath way and rocket me into a state of euphoric sedation. Step one we admitted we were powerless over fast food and that our lives had become unmanageable? Really? My life is unmanageable because of freaking fast food? If I weighed 800 Lbs and was unable to leave my bed, maybe then my life would be unmanageable, but not right now. This of course, sounds just like the time I tried and failed to convince myself that I wasn’t an alcoholic because I wasn’t a hobo.

Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
-- Mark Twain

Sunday, January 6, 2008

Happiness in pill form. So yeah I am back on Wellbutrin I think there is some kind of a placebo effect for me initially because I already feel a lot better. I feel more focused, alert, motivated, but not elevated. I’ve still made a meeting everyday this year. I am still flawed but that’s ok today. I think I was so distracted for so long with school, mom, relationships, and anything else I could get my hands on that I neglected my program. Now that I have no distractions for the moment it has been almost upsetting to remember that I too have issues. Oh well that’s all for now.
some say the road gets narrower as get more time, but sometimes i think the road just looks narrower because i am fatter. - friend of Bill

Reed

Saturday, January 05, 2008:

I find that the longer I stay sober the more unacceptable my defects of character become. Before I got sober when I was rude or antisocial or made a poor decision I could justify it by saying “I can’t help it! I have a drug problem!!” but today with a little over 4 years of sobriety I can’t blame the decisions I make or the way I act on anyone or anything. I guess I just find that when I hurt someone today it’s much more noticeable today. I recently made a bad judgment call and in the process I hurt someone I love very much. There is no way I can change what I did but I can try and amend my behavior so as to not let it happen again. Ok that’s all for now.


Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke. -- Lynda Barry

A new leaf

I think I am going to try something new with my gratitude list. Instead of rhyming 10 things that I am grateful for everyday, which I have not done in quite some time, I am just going to talk about where I am at in my recovery today. It is my belief that this will allow me to be much more honest and open about things and therefore be much more useful to my recovery.
Friday, January 04, 2008 I have made a meeting everyday this year. For me this is a big deal. I am not normally the type that goes to 7 meetings a week but I think part of my new year’s resolution will be to make more meetings. I seem to function better when I make meetings and I begin to feel connected to the AA of West Texas (never ever thought I would say that). Not that I have anything against West Texas AA but ok I do. Definitely something I need to work on. I just get a little upset when we have what I like to call a Jesus Christ meeting, that’s where someone mentions Jesus and the next ten people talk about how Jesus Christ is there personal Lord and savior. Oh well, it has defiantly helped me with my patience and tolerance. So today I guess today I am grateful for patience and tolerance.
Unprovided with original learning, unformed in the habits of thinking, unskilled in the arts of composition, I resolved to write a book. -- Edward Gibbon

The crack is wack

Well, the house that I was going to buy had a cracked chimney. After considering that and a lot of other issues we (my mother and I) have decided not to get the house. On a lighter side I have found a really cute house just outside the loop on the northwest Lubbock. I have decided to take the second summer session off to deal with the move and the break up. Well I guess that's all for now.

Love and service,
Reed Jackson

As the depression sets in

Depression is something I have always struggled with even before i started using drugs. It comes to me slowly and steadily like a tide coming into the beach. Gradually moving closer and closer. I feel as if my world is turning greyer and greyer by the day. Every morning when I wake up life around me looses a little more color. I didn't notice it at first because it difficult for me to admit that even after almost 4 years in recovery I still battle with depression. I feel that I should be cured of all my ailments. I should be a sun beam for Jesus and walking in the sunlight of the spirit. But, no I am still a dope fiend and a drunk who loves to be alone in a crowed room. I am not sure why I am even talking about this ( I never have before) but I have a feeling that once i get it all out and in public view my depression will no longer control me. Other than the depression life has been a cake walk. I have broken up with my partner after 2 years and have some how managed to maintain composure during the whole ordeal. He on the other hand did not and for this I feel very guilty. I still feel compelled to be the man. All tuff and stone faced. never allowing myself to feel a single emotion. Oh well that's all for now.

Love and service,
Reed Jackson

Im back!!!

Well, I survived my road trip and had a wonderful time. I am not really sure what I was looking for when I left Lubbock in mid May but I knew I was missing something. After arriving in Dillon, Montana and spending a day with my mother I knew something was wrong. I could not put my finger on it but i was sure she was hiding something from me. After hours prying, she finally spilled her guts and let me know what was going on. At this point she decided that she wanted to go away for a day or 2 until things cooled off around town. After spending several hours with her in the car she opened up to me and I actually had the opportunity to be of service to her. Are relationship is usually a one way street, she is usually the wise sage and I am the humble student seeking her advice on everything from pot roasts to who I should vote for in the next election. After giving her some good old AA/Alanon advice I realised that our relationship would never be the same again. I have finally found what I have been craving for as long as I have been sober. An adult relationship with my mother. I am still new at it and every time she calls me for advice I am still a little weirded out. I guess I am at the point in recovery where I have enough experience in life that I can actually provide practical advice to others. What a wonderful place to be.Getting sober at 19 I never really felt like I had enough life experience to be able to relate to most other alcoholics. Now at 23 I have experience with all sorts of life situations and dilemmas. It good to finally feel like I have something good contribute to the world. God knows I took for so long it is about time I started giving back. That's all for now.

Reed Jackson

The Trigger

I am not sure what is happening, but I feel compelled to write something. I was recently reminded that I am still an addict and am not sure what to make of it. My coworker was once a meth cook (he used to make meth) and was discussing it with me last week. With almost four years of sobriety I think I should be more recovered than I am. I still can’t really talk about meth because when I do I literally salivate. This last time with my coworker instead of fantasizing about how I could get away with using one more time, I immediately was very fearful of the consequences of using again. I guess that is progress. On the topic of emotions I also feel very broken. I go through periods of intense emotions usually lasting no more than a month, and then go through a period of total detachment usually lasting at least 2 months. The more meetings I go to the more aware I become of this defect. My schedule is completely screwed up as well. Class is over and I have finals this week. Then I have 3 weeks of nothing to do. I am thinking of going to Montana. I find peace there. They only have a few meetings a week so I am not as active in AA when I am there but I feel like it heals my soul. I guess I am also trying to define the god of my own understanding and without an instruction manual (bible or big book) it is very difficult. I am taking a class in the fall called “the philosophy of religion” maybe that will provide me with some guidance. I have found neither the bible nor the church helpful in this search for meaning in my life. I feel closest to god when I drive, usually long distances, by myself. That’s all for now.

Love and Service,
Reed

Wednesday, May 2, 2007

For the idea of altruism
For accepting my alcoholism
For money in the bank
That I no longer shoot crank
For being done with English 1 as of 5:00 p.m.
For not coughing up phlegm
For work never being truly done
For a chance to be a better son
For the power of prayer
That I no longer consider myself a player
Pray for my Aunt (battling this disease)
Help me keep an open mind and stay focused
Quote of the day:
The Argument from Intimidation is a confession of intellectual impotence.
Ayn Rand, The Virtue of Selfishness, 1964US (Russian-born) novelist (1905 - 1982)
The quality of a person's life is in direct proportion to their commitment to excellence, regardless of their chosen field of endeavor.
Vincent T. Lombardi

Tuesday, May 1, 2007

For moms birthday (Happy Birthday Mom)
For surviving a busy day
For meeting new peeps
That i no longer give my self the creeps
For finals that i take before finals week
That my still a freak
For down time at home
That im not a gnome (im not sure how i would handle that)
For my puppy dogs that never talk back
That I rarely feel compelled to talk smack
Pray for peace (not war James)
Help me grow
Quote of the day:
In heaven all the interesting people are missing. -- Friedrich Nietzsche

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

For Antony (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ybcf74mXDv8)
That all I have to do is be me
That school is almost over (until summer school starts)
That I didn't name my dog rover
That I got paid
That I don't have a French Maid (that would just be weird)
For Chicken tikka masala
That I don't pop my colla
For a talk with a friend
That I no longer feel compelled to start a new fashion trend
Help me grow
Pray for peace
Quote of the day:
If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.
Woody AllenUS movie actor, comedian, & director (1935 - )

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

For pulling 2 papers out of nowhere in less than 4 hours
For my spuerior mental powers (yeah right)
For a newcomer who isnt new
For being able to be true
For Indian food
For the ability to change my mood
For hatebreed (awesome band)
That my name is Reed (even though they call me saxaphone)
That Mom is back from Mexico
That just for today I dont have to be a hoe (old behavior)
Pray for peace
Help me grow
Quote of the day:
I finally figured out the only reason to be alive is to enjoy it. -- Rita Mae Brown

View from my backyard

For my new job (thank god I am finally making money)
That I am a friend of Dr. Bob
That I am no longer filled with anger (and I can be of service to those that are)
That I no longer identify myself as a banger
That I no longer suffer from foot-in-mouth disease
That today I say thank you and please
For an opportunity to talk with my English teacher
that I am not a preacher (thank God)
For daily quotes in my inbox (www.quotationspage.com)
For being a sexy fox (lol)
Help me grow
Pray for all those still in anger
Quote of the day:
The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth. -- Niels Bohr

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Proof that God exists

For Cisco's gratitude A-Z
For the occasional glimpse of what it is like to be happy, joyous, and free
For learning when to use me and when to use I in my English class
That I have a tank full of gas
For my step and traditions study on Wednesday nights (6:00 at the Lubbock Group)
That I no longer smoke "northern lights"
For step 2 (from the 12 and 12)
That my resentments today are but a few
For Karl Marx
For state parks (Palo Duro Canyon rocks)
Help me focus, focus, focus
Pray for peace and ALH
Quote of the day:
My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive with our frail and feeble mind.
Albert EinsteinUS (German-born) physicist (1879 - 1955

Wednesday

For communication
For pontification
For Lasagna
For not being named Lawanda
For a step study that I am chairing tonight
For no desire to fight
That my week is almost over
For my dogs that aren't named Rover
For a new budget
For Nike and "Just do it"
Help me budget
Pray for all those at Virginia Tech
Quote of the day:
We need not to be let alone. We need to be really bothered once in a while. How long is it since you were really bothered? About something important, about something real? -- Ray Bradbury, Fahrenheit 451, 1953

Monday

For new student orientation (Friday at Tech)
For a new occupation (Helping a friend remodel houses)
That summer is almost here
That I don't drink beer
For an opportunity to chair a meeting
That I am a human being
For A paper that I pulled out of no where
That I don't have to deal with long hair
For sleeping in
That I don't drink gin
Pray for peace
Help me focus on school
Quote of the day:
Just because something doesn't do what you planned it to do doesn't mean it's useless. -- Thomas A. EdisonThe trouble with facts is that there are so many of them. -- Samuel McChord Crothers, The Gentle Reader

Sat

For Philip Glass
That I no longer smoke grass
For an opportunity to be of service even if I am not present
That I am not a pheasant
For Lubbock Lambda
That my parents did not name me Amanda
For growing up in AA
For living in today
That my friends don't care about hurting my feelings (they are honest)
For an opportunity to go to more meetings
Pray for sanity
Help me grow
Quote of the day:
Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made sense from things she found in gift shops. -- Kurt Vonnegut, Slaughterhouse Five

Sleep Now!!!

Well it is 1 am on Friday and I am unable to sleep. I am not sure what to say so I guess I will just keep typing until I figure it out. I have called into work 2 days in a row for some strange reason. I think I may be depressed. I plan on going to a meeting this morning at 6 so maybe I will find some peace there. I can not shut off my brain. It is like an endless movie of what I could and should have done. I have not had a drink in 3 and a half years and I still have trouble coping with reality. I feel I should be recovered by now but I guess time takes time. The longer I stay sober the more I am reminded that I am not normal. I would love to be a round peg that fits in a round hole but I feel I am a very square peg trying to fit into a very round hole. This may have something to do with my expectations of myself but god only knows. That's all for now.

Reed

Thursday, April 12, 2007

For A 12 and 12 study that went very well
That I don't believe in Hell
For emails from friends of bill
That I no longer solve my problems with a pill
For a joke about a hormone
That only one person calls me saxophone (what's that about?)
For my glasses (helps me see the world in a whole new light)
For all of my classes (even statistics)
For Talking dogs (thanks Cisco)
For my new clogs
Pray for guidance
Help me grow
Quote of the day:
I envy people who drink. At least they have something to blame everything on.
Oscar Levant (1906 - 1972

FUN PERSONALITY TESTS
Jung Typology Test
http://similarminds.com/jung.html

Big 5 Personality Test
http://www.outofservice.com/bigfive

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

For therapy
That I don't need hairapy
For sleeping in
That I don't believe in sin
For intentions that match my actions
For my TI-83 (calculator) that handles all of my fractions
That people rarely do what I tell them too (thank god!!!)
For going number 2
For Victor passing is driving test
That all I ever have to do is my best
Pray that everyone's needs are met
Help me decide on a topic for my next paper (a letter to an elected official)
Quote of the day:
The first question I ask myself when something doesn't seem to be beautiful is why do I think it's not beautiful. And very shortly you discover that there is no reason. -- John Cage

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

For a morning meeting filled with people just like me
For occasionally feeling happy, joyous, and free
For a chat on AIM
For the realization that I am not destined for fame
For getting up before the sun
For learning how to have fun
For being back at school
That I no longer drool
That I remember what I did last night
For being able to chose when and where I fight
Pray for everyone
Help me grow
Quote of the day:
One of the advantages of being disorderly is that one is constantly making exciting discoveries. -- A. A. Milne

Monday, April 9, 2007

For a big book study at my house
For not being as quite as a mouse
For having Monday off
That I don't have a cough
For an opertnuity to make a BIG amends
For new friends
For no more snow
That I dont feel low
For taking it easy
That I dont feel queezie
Pray for peace
Help me grow
Quote for the day:
Most human beings have an almost infinite capacity for taking things for granted. -- Aldous Huxley

Saturday, April 7, 2007

For snow in Huntsville
For doing the deal
For spending time with mom
That my life is "da bomb"
For coffee with Eldub
For meetings at The Hub
For not going crazy
For not being lazy
For Grindhouse (a must see movie)
That I am not a mouse
Pray for everyone!!!
Help not be so selfish
Quote of the day:
The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
Elizabeth TaylorBritish movie actress (1932 - )
Love and service,
Reed Jackson

Thursday

For an awesome meeting at 6:30 AM
That when I polish my program I shine like a gem
For an opportunity to be of service (someone asked me to sponsor them)
That my name isn't Jarvis
For the realization that everything is going to be OK
For remembering to live in today
For the blogosphere
For facing fear (not really but it does rhyme)
For burritos from my sweetheart
That I say excuse me after I fart
Pray for those not willing to ask for help
Help me stay awake on my drive to Houston
Quote of the day:
When you give up drinking, you have to deal with that wonderful personality that started you drinking in the first place.
Oscar Levant(1906 - 1972)
Love and service,
Reed Jackson

Wednesday

For no longer feeling like crap
For time to take a nap
For keeping everyone up to date on my blog
For coming out of the fog
For Dave's words of honesty
For understanding the word integrity
For a prayer from Cisco
For inspiration from Dumbo
For a powerful meeting about step 4
That I can't hear myself snore
Pray for Aaron, Mark, Robert, Tom, Ed, Don, Marcio, Shay, Cisco, Dani, Mark, Mom, Jason, Victor, Lloyd, Sheldon, Adrian, Brian O, Brian H, Mikey, Sydney, Dad, Emily, Kenny, Stan, Mary M, Byron, Mike F, Steve, Stuart, Kelly, Matt, Dave, Landers, MJ, Topher, Chance, Leo, Abby, Frida, Xuxa, and Malu
Help me focus
Quote of the day:
Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.
Dave Barry "The Taming of the Screw"US columnist & humorist (1947 - )
Love and service,
Reed Jackson

Tuesday

For staying home from work
That even though I am sick I don't have to act like a jerk
For keeping an open mind
For looking inside me and being ok with what I find
For love
That AA fits me like a glove
For finding someone that understands me
For step 3
For starting another new meeting
For the art of just being

Pray for peace

Help me grow

Quote of the day:
My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
Henny YoungmanUS (English-born) comedian (1906 - 1998)

My Story

What it was like

This is me when I had 6 months

Taken in January of 2004

I started drinking at the age of 13. I consumed an entire bottle of plum sake and half of a bottle of Bailey’s Irish Cream. Later that evening I blacked out and the next morning I was scolded by my mother for drinking. I did not drink again for at least 6 months. At the age of 14, I moved to Houston where I discovered cocaine and LSD. In July of 1998 I went on a cocaine binge and moved in with my dealer. My father tracked me down and ordered me to come home immediately. After much protest I agreed that it was time to come home and he came to get me. After he picked me up he realized that I had recently taken LSD so he called a friend in AA who took care of me until I came down. My drug dealer’s home was raided by the DEA a few days later and I have not seen him since. After that incident I went back to my mother’s house in Huntsville and did not use drugs again for several years. When it came time for high school I decided that I didn’t fit in so I talked my mom into letting me be home schooled. Later, I ended up going to public high school for a semester and then decided to get my GED. I went to massage therapy school in 2001 where I rediscovered cocaine. I could party all night with friends and then keep going though the day with cocaine. This was also when I discovered ecstasy/MDMA. Once a week or so, my friend and I would host parties with ecstasy, whip-its and the occasional bag of crystal meth. After about 3 months the person I was living with and I had a falling out and I moved into my own apartment near downtown Houston. My mother had paid 6 months of my rent and it was my responsibility to find a job and pay my bills. I found a job at a local coffee shop and things went great for about 2 weeks. Then, I figured I could throw my own parties like the ones I used to throw with my roommate. The parties were great until I started noticing that people in my life were beginning to think I had a problem. Around this time in November I entered my first long term relationship. This person moved in after only knowing me 2 weeks and we fell in love. I thought the person drank too much and the person thought I did too many drugs. We were two peas in a pod. After 3 months I quit my job and ran out of money so we decided it would be a good idea to move in with my ex…this was when the downward spiral truly began. I was smoking pot every day as well as occasionally using meth and ecstasy. This living arrangement lasted only a few months. We moved into a two bedroom apartment and then my massage therapy business took off. I was making 300 to 400 dollars weekly and spending all of my income on drugs. When rent was due I would call my mother and complain about how the person I was living with could not cover their half of the rent and she would provide it for me. During this period I turned 18 and discovered the club scene. My spouse and I were regulars at a local nightclub and would frequently invite the staff to come back to our place and party after the club closed around 3:30 or 4 AM. This pattern worked until June of 2002. We were out on a deer lease for the weekend and I drove off of a cliff on a four-wheeler and cracked the bone in my left thumb. I would never be able to work as a massage therapist again. Some friends from the night club offered me a job so I began working. This is where I stopped using meth for fun and started using it like a normal person would use coffee. At this point my spouse realized I was out of control and left me. It was not long before I was evicted and moved into my sister’s condo. She said I was welcome to stay there until I could get on my feet but she soon became annoyed with me and moved out of her own condo to live with her spouse. When she left I had the condo to myself and for the first time I began to use drugs by myself. It was no longer a social thing. At this point even I was aware that I had a problem. Living by myself worked until November of 2002 at which point my power was cut off because I never checked the mail and hadn’t paid the electric bill in 6 months. I found someone to stay with for a while and that was what I did until we had a falling out after only a few weeks. In December I went to my mom’s house for Christmas and then immediately drove back to my condo because I had to work at the night club the next day. At the condo I was using candles as a heat source as well as for light and somehow managed to catch my fleece pants and jacket that I had just gotten for Christmas on fire. This was probably another red flag that I had missed. Later that week at work I joked about it with my coworkers and we all laughed about it. In February of 2003 I shot up meth for the second time and was hooked. I somehow managed to get the power to the condo turned back on and invited the person who had taught me how to shoot up to come live with me. At this point in my life things went from bad to worse very quickly. We would pool are money that we had made that week in tips and buy enough meth to last us from Friday until Sunday morning. When this stopped working we started buying marijuana as well as wine to deal with weekdays. We had no money for food so we would ransack the condo for loose change and go buy cases of ramen noodles. We would eat usually 2 to 3 times a week because we were usually so high on meth that it was impossible to eat. In August of 2003 my grandmother died and I stole 300$ from my mother to go deal with her death the best way I knew how. I purchased 3.5 grams of meth and made my way back to the condo where I was living. I shot up the largest amount I had ever shot up before and it didn’t work. I could no longer get high. I kept trying 8 more days with alcohol, marijuana, xanex, meth, GHB, nothing worked. The party was over. On Thursday, August 14, 2003 I took my last drink. The following day I went to rehab began to work the steps.

What it is like now
After attending rehab in Stephenville, Texas I was discharged to a halfway house in north Houston. I began to develop friendships that would last a lifetime. I also began to take a good look at my past behavior what led up to my life becoming so unmanageable. After only being sober 1 and a half months I got a job working for the mental health department in the Harris County jail. They trained me on how to use Microsoft Works as well as the maintenance of basic office equipment (Fax machine, copier, printer, phones.) I began to realize that I was not a bad person I simply made some poor decisions. I got my first sponsee when I was a year sober and I took him through the steps. Our schedules began to conflict after several months of work so we decided it would be best to move on and he found another sponsor with a schedule more like his own. I worked the steps for the very first time when I had about 6 months sober and it was truly a liberating experience. I actually looked forward to making amends and cleaning up the wreckage of the past. In the summer of 2006 I decided to quit my job at the mental health department after 3 years of hard work and move to Lubbock. When I arrived I felt very alone and isolated. I no longer could go to coffee with my support group, the only contact I had with them was through email or by phone. After about a month of this I decided it was time to begin to build a new support group. I started going to meetings and made new friends. I found a new sponsor and am currently working on the 4th step with him. Moving to Lubbock has forced me to adapt to change as well as to keep contact with a new support group. I surround myself today with people who have what I want. I typically go to 4 or 5 meetings a week but in the past week I have gone to 10.
This Picture was taken April 1, 2007

Monday, April 2, 2007

Well I guess this is day number one of for me. I am trying to quit smoking and I just found another pack of cigarettes in my backpack. Going to as many meetings as I can and that seems to be helping. My friends and I just started a new big book study so that is fun. I guess that is it for now. School is going well and I have another class at 4. All in all i guess things are great. Mikey and I are doing well. I'm just taking things one day at a time. I would also like to thank Dave for inspiring me to create a blog.